Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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