Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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