Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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