I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
