You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
