I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
