I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
