were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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