He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
