did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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