Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
