listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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