i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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