I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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