I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
