I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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