This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
