If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
