I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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