Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
