On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I need a beard to bite.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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