When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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