Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
she told me i tasted like america
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
When are your genitals available?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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