He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
