every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
