the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Randomize
