Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
