break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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