you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
