I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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