why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
birth control should be required to get into college
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
