$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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