i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
