last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
