It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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