and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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