party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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