my phone needs a breathalizer
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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