see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
