you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I can't turn off my feet"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
