I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
how drunk are you?
Several
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
