everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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