sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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