Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
