I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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