Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
