sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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