So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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