I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
