ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
