i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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