it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
